Brahms’ Lullaby plays, fading into—
Bert: Good evening and welcome to this hour of “Mother Goose Children’s Theatre,” bringing you safe theatre for your bedtime stories.
Which is like telling Peter Rabbit that his father was Harvey. I’m your host, Bertolt Brahms.
Special broadcast this week: “The Pirates of Denmark,” sponsored by Fisher Price. We hope you enjoy today’s show.
Horatio: Who’s there?
Hamlet: (hollers) Yeah! Hallo, Horatio!
Hamlet: Oh, this too too solid flesh melts in my mouth.
Horatio: Hamlet, something has come up.
Hamlet: My father, methinks I see my father.
Horatio: Where, my lord?
Hamlet: In my sandwich. Here. Think I could sell it on ebay?
Horatio: Season your admiration for a while—something has come up that needs your attention.
Horatio: Five Guys.
Hamlet: Horatio. They gave me this sandwich.
Horatio: Yeah, they gave me one today, too. But these Five Guys are Pirates.
Hamlet: Caribbean or Penzance?
Horatio: You don’t know?
Hamlet: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Horatio: Anyways…they’re here.
Hamlet: Not right now, Horatio. I just talked to my dead dad, and he’s blaming Uncle Claudius for his death.
Horatio: Murder most foul.
Hamlet: New slogan for Chick-Fil-A?
Horatio: Forget about your dead dad’s ghost. We have to figure out what to do with the Pirates.
Hamlet: What are they doing here?
Horatio: Those Pirates don’t do anything!
Hamlet: Here comes Uncle Claudius. Don’t tell him what I said about Dad. Or my burger.
Claudius: Hamlet, you look a little Tentative.
Hamlet: I’m just trying to figure out Who I am.
Claudius: Well, you’ve got company. Here are the leaders of the Pirates now.
Hamlet: You can’t have leaders of Pirates! That’d be like Jack Sparrow leading the Brute Squad.
Claudius: Welcome, guests! Welcome to the palace, where brotherly love is so strong, you might think you’re in Philadelphia.
Guests: Thank you.
Claudius: Let me guess now. You are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, right?
Gilbert: Not at all. I’m Gilbert.
Sullivan: And Sullivan.
Hamlet: Ah-hah! Penzance!
Claudius: Horatio, I see that the Pirates have brought their sisters, and their cousins, and their aunts. Let’s go make them feel welcome.
Horatio: Of course. Hamlet, I’ll talk to you later.
Hamlet: Certainly. Ah—my excellent good friends. Gilbert and Sullivan! What brings you to this prison?
Hamlet: Yeah. I feel like it’s a prison. I have bad dreams, see? But what brings you hither?
Sullivan: See yonder Pirates?
Hamlet: And their sisters, and their cousins, and their aunts?
Gilbert: Precisely. They are all here to perform a play for you.
Hamlet: He that plays the King shall be welcome.
Gilbert: Ah yes. The Pirate King, Jack Sparrow. Here he comes now.
Jack: Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I.
Hamlet: Here’s a How-De-Do. Are you the captain of those Pirates?
Jack: Captain? No. Not yet.
Hamlet: So what are you?
Jack: I am the very model of a modern major-general,
I’ve information vegetable, animal and mineral,
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.
Sullivan: Gilbert, did you write that down?
Gilbert: Got it! Sullivan, let’s go work on our next production. We’ll call it The Pirates of Denmark.
Hamlet: So, what play are you Pirates all about to do?
Jack: Musical adaptation of the movie The Princess Bride.
Hamlet: And you play…?
Jack: The Dread Pirate Roberts, matey. Do you want to be in it?
Hamlet: To be, or not to be, that is the question. But who is that over there, walking around in circles?
Jack: Poor Wandering One. Here she comes now.
Buttercup: I’m Called Little Buttercup.
Hamlet: Dear little Buttercup.
Buttercup: Though I will never know why.
Hamlet: Nevermind the Why and Wherefore.
Buttercup: Wherefore art thou?
Hamlet: I’m right here. And the name’s Hamlet.
Buttercup: Hamlet, I have a bone to pick with Jack, here. Would you challenge him to a duel, and win?
Hamlet: As you wish. Jack, any last words?
Jack: My dear lady, what are my crimes?
Buttercup: (sobbing) On the high seas, your ship attacked Captain Corcoran’s. And the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners.
Jack: I can’t afford to make exceptions. I mean, once word gets out that a Pirate’s gone soft, it’s nothing but work, work, work—all the time.
Buttercup: You mock my pain.
Hamlet: Life is pain. Unless you go to a nunnery. Ah, here comes Horatio.
Horatio: Hamlet, I just found out that Dread Pirate Roberts attacked Captain Corcoran because Captain Corcoran is actually your Uncle Claudius disguised. He wanted to hold Buttercup hostage.
Hamlet: Oh what a tangled web we weave! I’ll fight him, I will indeed! Here he comes now.
Claudius: Hamlet, why do you look so gloomy?
Hamlet: One, two, three, four; I declare a thumb war!
Horatio: C’mon, Hamlet! Claudius is starting to get the upper hand. Don’t let him do that!
Hamlet: Ouch! That really hurts!
Claudius: Say “Uncle!”
Claudius: But why are you smiling?
Hamlet: Because I know something you don’t know.
Claudius: What is that?
Hamlet: I am not left handed!
Claudius: Oh. Neither am I. Switch.
Hamlet: Oh no! I’m losing! I die, Horatio.
Horatio: Me too, Hamlet. It was those burgers from Five Guys. Those Pirates poisoned us. I die too.
Hamlet: Horatio, I am dead. Claudius just won the thumb war.
Jack: Not so fast, Claudius!
Buttercup: Oh, my dear Hamlet! I die of grief!
Claudius: Jack, I almost beat you back there on the high seas.
Jack: Yeah, but not quite. I’m just gonna grab some of this rope, here—and tie you up. There.
Claudius: What are you going to do?
Jack: To you? Nothing. I’m going to leave. This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Jack Sparrow.