The Misunderstood Bard

Brahms’ Lullaby plays, fading into—

Med school was…tough

Bert: Good evening and welcome to this hour of “Mother Goose Children’s Theatre,” bringing you safe theatre for your bedtime stories. Which is like discovering that Captain Hook is your surgeon. I’m your host, Bertolt Brahms.

This evening’s History in Rhyme takes us all the way back to the great Greeks, analyzing Antigone’s inner monologue from a modern perspective.

Little Antigone, will you bury your brother?
Your Uncle’s asleep, (have you seen his mother?)
Where is the sister who said she would help?
You left her inside, afraid she would yelp.
Will you bury him? You must decide…
If so, Old Creon will have your hide.

 

I am pleased to announce that we have a few guests with us this evening. We will be tackling the difficulties of misunderstood quotes by the great Bard himself. With us this evening are Hamlet and Lady Macbeth.

 
Bert: Hamlet, I think I’m going to start the interview with a question for you. What has been the most difficult decision you’ve ever had to make?

2-B or not 2-B?

Hamlet: Uh…well, I was playing a game of Battleship with my good friend George Lucas. I was in a bit of a dilemma, not sure what to do, which ship to sink with which coordinates.
Bert: Stressful moment.
Hamlet: Very. I was sweating—solid flesh just melting. My girlfriend was hovering about, asking if there was anything she could do. I said, “Get the others, honey bunny.” Which she did not hear correctly, and thought I had said to go to a nunnery.
Bert: Rather off-putting.
Hamlet: Well yeah. That little slip-up kinda shook things up. So, I’m sitting there, completely distracted, trying to figure out where George Lucas put his ships for the game…and I guess I started thinking out loud. I muttered “2-B or not 2-B? That’s the question.”
Bert: Oh dear. Oh, I see.
Hamlet: Yeah. So, as you can imagine, that, you know, did me in. Lucas called out “R-2, D-2” and sunk my last ship. The rest is history.
Bert: Wow. I see. Thank you, Hamlet for joining us this evening.
Hamlet: My pleasure.
Bert: And now, Lady Macbeth, it is a privilege to have you here this evening as well.
L. Mac: Thank you.
Bert: Now, let me just ask outright. What quote of yours is most commonly misunderstood?
L. Mac: Oh, most assuredly the one that goes, “Out, out—“
Bert (interrupting): –now, now. Wait. You aren’t actually going to say that line are you?
L. Mac: Why ever not?
Bert: Well….this is a children’s program.
L. Mac: And you invited me?
Bert: We can’t have…..language. Not on the air.
L. Mac: So, family-friendly.
Bert: Quite.
L. Mac: Suitable for all ages.
Bert: Indeed.
L. Mac: It would have been alienating…
Bert: True…
L. Mac: But you needn’t worry. I was never going to say “D…”…THAT WORD. You see, that’s the whole point. All this confusion and misunderstanding is so unnecessary. I was not saying, “Out, out, d…. THAT WORD…..spot.” No. There was no wringing of the hands, no craziness on my part. An acquaintance of mine, who I’ve never gotten along with, was in my kitchen. I said, “Out, out, Adam Spock!” You see, most people do not realize that Spock’s first name is Adam. Hence the confusion.
Bert: No spot?
L. Mac: No spot.
Bert: So, you never even said…THAT WORD.
L. Mac: No, never. I never would use such language.
Bert: Murder?
L. Mac: Murder, yes. Entirely different matter.
Bert: Well, thank you for coming this evening.

Dr. Jekyll

Finally tonight, we have some announcements and updates about some friends of our theatre. In the category of Unlikely Marriages, we have Mother Courage and the Cowardly Lion as well as Little Red Riding Hood and Hugh Jackman.

Also, you may congratulate Dr. Jekyll for his newly acquired position as a psychology instructor at The Tempter’s College, founded by Professor Screwtape.

Good night, folks. Sleep as well as you can.

Seuss’ Drop and Fly

Brahms’ Lullaby plays, fading into—

Bert: Good evening and welcome to this hour of “Mother Goose Children’s Theatre,” bringing you safe theatre for your bedtime stories.

Humpty Dumpty

Which is like taking Humpty Dumpty on a field trip to Mrs. Tweedy’s Chicken Farm. I’m your host, Bertolt Brahms.

 

This evening’s original production centers around the marked changes in set design and construction around the end of the 19^th Century. Taken directly from transcripts of the actual conversation between Appia and Gordon Craig, Dr. Seuss and Mother Goose bring you, Drop and Fly: An Oxymoron.

Do you like this drop-and-fly?

I do not like it, Craig-I-sigh.

I do not like this drop-and-fly.

 

Would you like a painted mast?

Would you like it spread so vast?

Not as a mast. Not quite so vast.

Not as a home. Not as a dome.

I would not like it here or there.

I would not like it anywhere.

I do not like this drop-and-fly.

I do not like it, Craig-I-sigh.

 

Would you? Could you? Columns paint?

Paint them! Paint them! Be a saint!

I would not, could not, saintly paint.

 

Painted Tree

You may like it. You will see.

You may like that painted tree.

I would not, could not like that tree.

Not as a saint! You let me be!

I do not like a painted mast.

I do not like it spread so vast.

I do not like it as a home.

I do not like it as a dome.

I do not like it here or there.

I do not like it anywhere.

I do not like this drop-and-fly.

I do not like it, Craig-I-sigh.

 

The globe! The globe! The globe! The globe!

Could you, would you, as a globe?

Not as a globe! Not as a tree!

Not as a saint, Craig! Let me be!

I would not, could not, as a mast.

I would not, could not, quite so vast.

Signature of Dr. Seuss (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I would not like it as a home.

I would not like it as a dome.

I would not like it here or there.

I would not like it anywhere.

I do not like this drop-and-fly.

I do not like it, Craig-I-sigh.

 

Finally this evening, I would like to introduce to you the book I am writing. I’m developing a much-needed workbook for actors. And so, I bring you a portion of the second chapter of my book entitled, Konstantine’s Kiddos—Practical Exercises in the Strasberg, Adler, and Meisner Methods.

Mary Had a Little Lamb

Exercise #867—Analysis of “Mary Had a Little Lamb”

Part A) Strasberg: Think back to a time in your life when you had a small, white, pet lamb. Or perhaps you were not so fortunate to have a lamb—so think back to a time in your life when you had a small, white, pet puppy. It’s fur was white as snow. And this little, white puppy followed you everywhere, didn’t it? Do you remember? You adored your puppy, yes? Loved him so very much. Wherever you went, there was the little puppy, right at your heels. Remember? Remember how lovingly that puppy followed you to school one day, and how the teacher turned it out? Devastating, yes? Crushed your childhood ideal of a constant puppy companion. Remember this feeling…

Part B) Adler: So, you’ve got this little, white lamb, correct? How little was this lamb? How much does he weigh, how tall does he stand? How old is this little lamb? Does this little lamb have a snow white fleecy coat? Or is it a creamy white fleecy coat? Now, imagine that this little lamb is following you. Everywhere. Where are you going? Does it comfort you or bother you that the lamb is following? You go to school, and the little months-old, creamy-white-fleeced lamb follows you. Your classmates see the lamb. What do they think? The teacher walks in. What does she think? If the lamb had a favorite color, what would it be? How does that color relate to the lamb’s feelings when the teacher turns it out?

Part C) Meisner: Look at the lamb. Your fleece is white. Your fleece is white. Your fleece is white. Your fleece is white.

 

Good night, folks. Sleep as well as you can.

Mamet’s Hamlet

Brahms’ Lullaby plays, fading into—

 

I don’t think V– will be impressed.

Bert: Good evening and welcome to this hour of “Mother Goose Children’s Theatre,” bringing you safe theatre for your bedtime stories. Which is like giving Harry Potter the Fairy Godmother’s Wand. I’m your host, Bertolt Brahms.

It’s a brand new school year, full of unrealistic hopes and Lovett’s Pie-in-the-sky dreams. And with any new school year come opportunities of great shame and embarrassment. We call these moments: auditions: where you can embarrass yourself in a room full of people, and never realize it. Of course, these days, I have a hard time distinguishing between theatre audition-ers and Bieber Screamers. However, in order to help the masses, today’s broadcast will center around the audition process.

For all you actor wanna-be’s, think about your name. It’s understandable that you want a cool actor’s name—one with three names. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Tommy Lee Jones. Bertolt…Bale…Brahms. However, just because your name is John Jacob Jingelheimer Schmidt does not mean you should put all that down on your audition card. I recently received an email from this John Jacob Jingelheimer Schmidt fellow, who let me know his intention of playing in Richard III by adapting this Shakespearean text into something, which I admit, is much more understandable than Shakespeare’s original. He writes:

Ian McKellen as Richard III

James, Edward, Henry and Richard,

There are so many of you.

When Richard the Third is read,

You all turn up for dead,

He sings James, Edward, Henry and Richard!

(Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die.)

 

Yes, folks, this is deadly theater at its roughest. Which is why I decided to bring in a special guest…my good friend Hans Christian Mamet, to give us some idea of how to do Hamlet.

Bert: Hans Christian Mamet, so good to see you.

Hans: Likewise.

Bert: So, Hans. I thought it might be good if you would give us some suggestions on doing Hamlet’s monologue in Act III—the one where he gives advice to the actors. Any initial thoughts before we dive in?

Hans: It’s uh—ya know…

Bert: What?

Hans: A good script.

Bert: Indeed. Ok, let’s dig in. Hamlet starts this by saying, “Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly  on the tongue: but if you mouth—“

Hans: Stop.

Bert: What’s the problem?

Hans: The speech. It’s too…

Bert: Too–? Too what? This is Shakespeare, you know.

Hans: I realize. He was a pretty good one. Playwright. I guess.

Bert: So, why’d you stop me?

Hans: No need to continue.

Bert: What?

Hans: Well, it’s too long. Cut it.

Tell us, Hamlet, how you really feel about cutting your monologue.

Bert: Cut Hamlet’s “Speak the speech” monologue?

Hans: Cut it. Just do that part again.

Bert: Ok, I’ll try. Um, “Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you—“

Hans. Yeah. Ok.

Bert: What?

Hans: That’s all. All you need. Do it again.

Bert: “Speak the speech—“

Hans: Stop. That’s it. All you need.

Bert: That’s all? Really? Cut down all of that advice to “Speak the speech”?

Hans: Actually, just “speak.”

Three Uses of Mamet’s Knife

Bert: “Speak—“

Hans: Yes. Good. That’s it! Perfect. All you need. Cut the excess.

Bert: Wow, you sure cut that one up and baked the life out of it. I Lovett, Mamet! Again, thank you so much, Hans. We appreciate your input and thoughts on how to approach this classic monologue.

 

Finally this evening, a small introduction to the next production here at Mother Goose Children’s Theatre. We will be doing Othello: The Prequel. Here is a small sampling.

The thing with Othello:

Iago lies to Othello.

Iago tells lies,

But says that he’s honest,

Which Othello buys.

 

They all end up dying,

But what’d ya expect?

The story was Shakespeare’s,

We’re not yet to Brecht.

 

Good night, folks. Sleep as well as you can.

My Pens: A Writer’s Confession

Brahms’ Lullaby plays, fading into—

Bert: Good evening and welcome to this hour of “Mother Goose Children’s Theatre,” bringing you safe theatre for your bedtime stories.

Not Goldilocks’ favorite animal

Which is like taking Goldilocks on a hunting trip in the woods. I’m your host, Bertolt Brahms.

Today, Sweeney Todd announced his retirement. No longer a barber, he has decided to write his autobiography entitled, “Sweeney Todd: the Poet Writer of Yeats Street.”

Tonight, our broadcast will only include the prologue to this book, which you can pick up at your nearest bookstore. Each book includes an autographed fountain pen.

Such sweet selection!

And now, the prologue–“My Pens.”

These are my pens.

I’ll them now christen.

They will be mine

With my name scratched in white.

My pen.

My faithful pen.

Speak to me pen.

Whisper… I’ll listen.

I know I’ll write

In the dead of the night

Till you ache, like me

My pen…

Sleek and shiny

Well I’ve come home

To bring you paper.

Home,

And we’re together.

And we’ll do wonders

Won’t we?

You there, my pen.

You there, my pen,

Come let me hold you.

Now, with a sigh,

All the ink starts to warm.

My pen!

My clever pen…

Drip raven…onyx

Rest now, my pens.

Soon I will use you.

Soon you’ll bleed inkspots

All over the page

Till it’s done,

My manic pens…

Till now your ink

Was merely blackened.

Pens…

You shall drip onyx,

You’ll soon drip raven…onyx.

Completed arm!

AT LAST MY ARM IN COMPLETE AGAIN!

The Wolf and his Double

Brahms’ Lullaby plays, fading into—

 

Steven Spielberg and Barney the Dinosaur = Worse dreams

Bert: Good evening and welcome to this hour of “Mother Goose Children’s Theatre,” bringing you safe theatre for your bedtime stories. Which is like filming a Barney movie with the cast and crew from Jurassic Park. I’m your host, Bertolt Brahms.

 

 

 

This week’s History in Rhyme looks at Diderot’s contributions to theatre.

Humpty Dumpty liked the fourth wall,

Then the fourth wall had a great fall.

All the best actors then cheered loudly when

No one put the wall back together again.

 

Inspector Javert

And now we bring you Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables, Jr. This selection comes from Javert as he searches for Jean Valjean.

Star light, star bright,

First star I see tonight.

I’m in the right, so I must fight.

I wish I could Valjean indict.

 

Last week there was some confusion over an upcoming production here at Mother Goose Children’s Theatre. We announced that we would be holding auditions for Rabbit Hole by David Lindsay-Abaire, and have since received numerous phone calls from children and parents alike. At this time, we are not looking to cast an Alice, Mad Hatter, or a White Rabbit. Please note the difference between Rabbit Hole (a Pulitzer Prize winning play), and Down the Rabbit Hole (the first chapter in Alice in Wonderland). We apologize for any inconvenience.

 

 

Tonight we bring you Story Hour, featuring the classic tale of the Three Little Pigs as told by Artaud.

So cheery in the hands of Disney...

Once upon a time, there lived three little pigs that had escaped slaughtering and were now determined to enter the great, vast, dangerous world to seek their fortunes. They left the crammed pens of the pig farm to set sail for the New World…or whatever. On the ship, they fell ill to the most terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad disease. It was…the plague. The poor pigs rolled around on the ship’s deck, moaning and squealing as they lost their lunch. But hey—there’s supper. Finally reaching the New World…or whatever, they immediately started building their houses. But the effects of the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad disease had taken their toll on the poor pigs’ peachy skin. Their skin was gray and weak, and all the building prompted blisters to form. Truly, they had rawhides.

The first little pig built his house out of straw because it was the easiest thing to do. Unfortunately for him, the straw brought mites, and the first foolish pig found himself itching his festering blisters when there was a knock at the door.

Who wouldn't be sneezing?

The first pig called out, “Who’s there?” Now, at the door was a big, bad wolf, who answered, “Little Pig, little Pig, let me come in.” The first little pig called out, “Not by the hair of my chinny chin, chin!” Well of course, the big, bad wolf huffed and puffed, and blew the house in. But unfortunately for him, all the huffing and puffing in such close proximity to the straw caused him to have quite the sneezing attack. And he now had mites in his fur.

The second silly pig had built his house out of wood because it was simple but sturdy. Unfortunately for him, the wood was moldy, and the second silly pig found himself with a lung infection in addition to the terrible, horrible, no-good, you-get-the-point-by-now disease. As he coughed and hacked, he heard a knock at the door. The second silly pig called out, “Who’s there?”

When you have an itch on your back, just start dancing.

The big, bad wolf was now dancing a disturbing jig on the doorstep as he tried to keep itching his back and knees because of the hay mites. But he still managed to cry, “Little Pig, little Pig, let me come in.” The second silly pig called out, “Not by the–” and was reduced to coughing and hacking up a lung. Well, of course, the big, bad wolf had no intention of huffing and puffing ever again, so he used the door as a back scratcher before it fell in. Unfortunately for him, he now had moldy splinters in his fur along with the hay mites.

The third thoughtful pig had built his house out of bricks because he was smart. Unfortunately for him, he still had the…terrible…disease. But he had contracted nothing new. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. The third thoughtful pig knew just what to do. He peeked through the peep hole in the door. By this point, the big, bad wolf could not even announce his arrival due to the painful, itching jig he was dancing on the doorstep. The third thoughtful pig called out, “I know who you are! What big ears you have! What big eyes you have! What big teeth you have!” The big, bad wolf, now huffing and puffing, toe tapping and back scratching answered, “That’s my twin—he’s at Red Riding’s house.”

The Wolf and his Double, by Third Thoughtful Pig

Well, the third thoughtful pig knew just what to do. He put a large pot under the chimney, and waited. The wolf drove himself to distraction, going completely insane. He climbed upon the house, determined to crawl down the chimney to capture the pig. Unfortunately for him, the wolf fell into the boiling pot of water and became wolf soup. The third thoughtful pig eventually recovered from the terrible…plague, and wrote a book entitled, “The Wolf and his Double.”

 

Checkmate, Chekhov

Brahms’ Lullaby plays, fading into—

Elmo as "Matador"?

Bert: Good evening and welcome to this hour of “Mother Goose Children’s Theatre,” bringing you safe theatre for your bedtime stories. Which is like Elmo training to be a Matador. I’m your host, Bertolt Brahms.

 

 

In recent news, Sanford Meisner met up with the television comedian, Jack Benny, for a special two-hour interview with BBC. The interview will air in two weeks, but the following review can be found on their website.

Jack Benny

Sanford Meisner met a miser

 

Ebeneezer Scrooge was he

 

He cast Jack Benny, counting his pennies,

 

Repeating “Bah Humbug,” for a fee.

 

 

In an attempt to bring the world of sports and theatre closer together, as Brecht would have liked, Mother Goose Children’s Theatre will soon produce our own version of The Threepenny Opera in which an entire football game will happen simultaneously. But until then: if theatre had a sport’s announcer, here are some phrases you might hear.

 

The game’s aFoote!

Chekhov and his Australian teammate, Checkmate

Aannd…Noises Off!

It’s going…it’s going…it’s Far Away!

Boy, is he ever hitting those aside lines. Nailed ‘em.

 

Capra's answer to shoplifting.

 

The retail clothing store located next to us has recently started using our advertising posters as a new way of communicating with their customers.

For example, right now their “Shoplifters will be prosecuted” sign has our “You Can’t Take It With You” sign displayed directly below it.

 

 

 

 

Finally this evening, we leave you with a sweet little lullaby for all you children out there whose fathers are actors. If he weren’t in rehearsal right now, this is what he would sing to you.

 

The Actor’s Lullaby:

 

How to study for a biology exam.

Hush, little baby, don’t say a word,

Papa’s playing Hamlet; or have you heard?

 

 

If you heard, then you must know

I auditioned for Edgar Allen Poe.

 

 

If old Poe does not pan out,

Papa’s playing Bishop in Shanley’s Doubt.

 

 

If in Doubt I seem a goof,

I’ll be trying out for David Auburn’s Proof.

 

 

And if in Proof all I do is bellow,

Then sign me up to play Othello.

 

 

Magic is like acting. Deception for a living...

And if Othello can’t be contained,

I’ll try sleight of hand with David Blaine.

 

 

If David Blaine should just seem a clown,

Then I’ll stay right here, and not go into town.

 

 

 

One for the Money

Brahms’ Lullaby plays, fading into—

 

Bert: Good evening and welcome to this hour of “Mother Goose Children’s Theatre,” bringing you safe theatre for your bedtime stories.

Little Red Riding Hood

Which is like showing The Wolfman movie to Little Red Riding Hood. I’m your host, Bertolt Brahms.

 

Harold Clurman has written a new book called On Directing 2. Because of mass confusion over the title (some thinking that Clurman gave instruction on how to direct a two-person cast), there will be a re-printing with a new title, A Second Installment of Directing Principles as it Applies to the Theatre of Today and as Seen Through the Experience of Harold Clurman. Here is Clurman’s introduction:

Little director has lost her actors,

And can’t tell where to find them.

Read them Antigone;

They’ll come right back you see,

Punctuality now more important to them.

 

And now we bring you, “A Taste of the Theatre,” where our everyday experiences turn into conflict-laden scripts.

Where all the best drama really happens.

Today, we step into the box office, amid a flurry of telephone calls and visiting patrons.

One for the money

“Yes, ma’am. You can only purchase one ticket for that price. No…no, I’m sorry, there is not a meal included. I’m sorry…cages? No…no cages. Ma’am. …Ma’am. There are no foxes in this production. Ma’am…I think…I think you misunderstood. No, ma’am, this is not a joke. I’m very serious. This is a theatre. We are performing The Little Foxes by Lillian Hellman. This is not the Zoo. Hello? …Hello?

 

Two for the show

“Thank you for holding, sir. Yes, there are only two remaining seats left for this evening’s performance. I double checked that with the Front of House Manager, the Head Usher, the Assistant Director, and the Director. I’m sorry…but three seats are just not available at this time. …Well, I did just confirm this with the playwright and publishing house as well. Yes, sir, I’m positive. Two seats. Not. Three. Yes sir, I counted them myself, just today. Yes. Thank-you.”

 

Three to get ready

Such signs bring great joy and fear.

“Yes, ma’am, I did appreciate your audition. Well, you see, it was supposed to be a one-minute audition. Not a three-seconds audition. Well…it wasn’t a terrible three seconds. Yes ma’am, you’re right—it was very concise. Well, you see, I’m not really sure how to tell you to improve…it was hard to tell in three seconds. Uh…but you didn’t throw up! That’s a positive!”

 

And four to go

“Ma’am…I appreciate the fact that she’s your granddaughter, but you cannot speak with her right now. Yes, yes, I know you want to congratulate her, but she’s performing right now. Well, let’s see…it’s a five act play…and it looks like…yes—they are still in the first act. …So yes, four more to go before it’s done. Yes, then you can congratulate her. Yes, ma’am, I’m sure she is a sweetheart. No, no…I’m already dating. Well, I mean—I  don’t think it’s a pity.”

 

Finally this evening, we bring back our series, History in Rhyme. This week focuses on the 1930s.

Stella Adler

Three Group Theatre peeps,

Stella Adler they could not keep,

And they began to cry;

“With Stella there,

Will Stanislavski dare,

His system to her teach?”

 

“What? Teach his system?

This does not show wisdom!”

But they did not know why.

No, no.

They did not know why.

 

Now Miss Adler bought

What Stanislavski taught.

“Yes, he’s a swell guy!

I learned imagination

While in this other nation

Yes, he’s a swell guy!”

 

The Pirates of Denmark

Brahms’ Lullaby plays, fading into—

 

Bert: Good evening and welcome to this hour of “Mother Goose Children’s Theatre,” bringing you safe theatre for your bedtime stories.

Peter Rabbit's invisible father.

Which is like telling Peter Rabbit that his father was Harvey. I’m your host, Bertolt Brahms.

 

Special broadcast this week: “The Pirates of Denmark,” sponsored by Fisher Price. We hope you enjoy today’s show.

 

Horatio: Who’s there?

Hamlet: (hollers) Yeah! Hallo, Horatio!

Horatio: Oh, good. It’s you, Hamlet. What do you have there? Is that—is that the bacon cheeseburger from Five Guys?

Hamlet: Oh, this too too solid flesh melts in my mouth.

Horatio: Hamlet, something has come up.

Hamlet: My father, methinks I see my father.

Horatio: Where, my lord?

Hamlet: In my sandwich. Here. Think I could sell it on ebay?

Horatio: Season your admiration for a while—something has come up that needs your attention.

Hamlet: What?

Horatio: Five Guys.

Hamlet: Horatio. They gave me this sandwich.

Horatio: Yeah, they gave me one today, too. But these Five Guys are Pirates.

Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.

Hamlet: Caribbean or Penzance?

Horatio: You don’t know?

Hamlet: Geography isn’t my strong point.

Horatio: Anyways…they’re here.

Hamlet: Not right now, Horatio. I just talked to my dead dad, and he’s blaming Uncle Claudius for his death.

Horatio: Murder most foul.

Hamlet: New slogan for Chick-Fil-A?

Horatio: Forget about your dead dad’s ghost. We have to figure out what to do with the Pirates.

Hamlet: What are they doing here?

Horatio: Those Pirates don’t do anything!

Hamlet: Here comes Uncle Claudius. Don’t tell him what I said about Dad. Or my burger.

David Tennant as Hamlet

Claudius: Hamlet, you look a little Tentative.

Hamlet: I’m just trying to figure out Who I am.

Claudius: Well, you’ve got company. Here are the leaders of the Pirates now.

Hamlet: You can’t have leaders of Pirates! That’d be like Jack Sparrow leading the Brute Squad.

Claudius: Welcome, guests! Welcome to the palace, where brotherly love is so strong, you might think you’re in Philadelphia.

Guests: Thank you.

Claudius: Let me guess now. You are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, right?

Gilbert: Not at all. I’m Gilbert.

Sullivan: And Sullivan.

Hamlet: Ah-hah! Penzance!

Claudius: Horatio, I see that the Pirates have brought their sisters, and their cousins, and their aunts. Let’s go make them feel welcome.

Horatio: Of course. Hamlet, I’ll talk to you later.

Hamlet: Certainly. Ah—my excellent good friends. Gilbert and Sullivan! What brings you to this prison?

Gilbert: Prison?

Hamlet: Yeah. I feel like it’s a prison. I have bad dreams, see? But what brings you hither?

Sullivan: See yonder Pirates?

Hamlet: And their sisters, and their cousins, and their aunts?

Gilbert: Precisely. They are all here to perform a play for you.

A Pirate King...if ever there was one.

Hamlet: He that plays the King shall be welcome.

Gilbert: Ah yes. The Pirate King, Jack Sparrow. Here he comes now.

Jack: Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I.

Hamlet: Here’s a How-De-Do. Are you the captain of those Pirates?

Jack: Captain? No. Not yet.

Hamlet: So what are you?

Jack: I am the very model of a modern major-general,
I’ve information vegetable, animal and mineral,
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.

Sullivan: Gilbert, did you write that down?

Gilbert: Got it! Sullivan, let’s go work on our next production. We’ll call it The Pirates of Denmark.

Hamlet: So, what play are you Pirates all about to do?

Jack: Musical adaptation of the movie The Princess Bride.

Hamlet: And you play…?

Dread Pirate Roberts

Jack: The Dread Pirate Roberts, matey. Do you want to be in it?

Hamlet: To be, or not to be, that is the question. But who is that over there, walking around in circles?

Jack: Poor Wandering One. Here she comes now.

Buttercup: I’m Called Little Buttercup.

Hamlet: Dear little Buttercup.

Buttercup: Though I will never know why.

Hamlet: Nevermind the Why and Wherefore.

Buttercup: Wherefore art thou?

Hamlet: I’m right here. And the name’s Hamlet.

Buttercup: Hamlet, I have a bone to pick with Jack, here. Would you challenge him to a duel, and win?

Hamlet: As you wish. Jack, any last words?

Jack: My dear lady, what are my crimes?

Buttercup: (sobbing) On the high seas, your ship attacked Captain Corcoran’s. And the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners.

Jack: I can’t afford to make exceptions. I mean, once word gets out that a Pirate’s gone soft, it’s nothing but work, work, work—all the time.

Buttercup: You mock my pain.

Hamlet: Life is pain. Unless you go to a nunnery. Ah, here comes Horatio.

Horatio: Hamlet, I just found out that Dread Pirate Roberts attacked Captain Corcoran because Captain Corcoran is actually your Uncle Claudius disguised. He wanted to hold Buttercup hostage.

Hamlet: Oh what a tangled web we weave! I’ll fight him, I will indeed! Here he comes now.

Claudius: Hamlet, why do you look so gloomy?

The ultimate test of skill and bravery.

Hamlet: One, two, three, four; I declare a thumb war!

Horatio: C’mon, Hamlet! Claudius is starting to get the upper hand. Don’t let him do that!

Hamlet: Ouch! That really hurts!

Claudius: Say “Uncle!”

Hamlet: Never!

Claudius: But why are you smiling?

Hamlet: Because I know something you don’t know.

Claudius: What is that?

Hamlet: I am not left handed!

Claudius: Oh. Neither am I. Switch.

Hamlet: Oh no! I’m losing! I die, Horatio.

Horatio: Me too, Hamlet. It was those burgers from Five Guys. Those Pirates poisoned us. I die too.

The Tragedy of Hamlet

Hamlet: Horatio, I am dead. Claudius just won the thumb war.

Jack: Not so fast, Claudius!

Buttercup: Oh, my dear Hamlet! I die of grief!

Claudius: Jack, I almost beat you back there on the high seas.

Jack: Yeah, but not quite. I’m just gonna grab some of this rope, here—and tie you up. There.

Claudius: What are you going to do?

Jack: To you? Nothing. I’m going to leave. This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Jack Sparrow.

Pop Goes the Weasel

Brahms’ Lullaby plays, fading into—

Bert: Good evening and welcome to this hour of “Mother Goose Children’s Theatre,”

Who could say no to this headshot?

bringing you safe theatre for your bedtime stories. Which is like casting Shirley Temple in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I’m your host, Bertolt Brahms.

In the news today: It was discovered in some of George Bernard Shaw’s last diary entries that he was starting to write a new play that would fit nicely as a follow up to Babe, and Babe, Pig in the City. This new play, called Pig Mailin’, will feature James Cromwell as a postal service worker.

A revival of interest in Tennessee Williams’ A Streetcar Named Desire has prompted a flood of poetry contest entries by middle school students nationwide. This winning poem will be featured in the next scholarly article published by Mother Goose Children’s Theatre and will be reviewed by myself, Bertolt Brahms:

Brando had a little wife

Her sister felt so low

And everywhere that Stanley went

Dear Blanche was sure to go.

The tragic event that lead to the now popular, "My Fair Lady."

And now, Theatre News from around the world: Arthur Miller’s A View from the Bridge, has been touring successfully in Great Britain. They were scheduled to show in London this week. Unfortunately, London Bridge is Falling Down, so the performance has been moved to next week.

In light of the Christmas holidays, we bring you the summary of our production of the children’s ballet, The Nutcracker:

Hickory, dickory, dock.

The Mouse ran up the clock.

The Nutcracker

Found his attacker

Hickory, dickory, dock.

The natural result when the housing market looks bad.

And now for a Little Literary Lesson:

There was a Grotowski who lived in a shoe

He had so little money, he didn’t know what to do.

He wrote down his thoughts, and called it a book,

If only “Poor Theatre” was available on Nook.

And now, Bedtime Discussion. This week, we will be studying Pop, Goes the Weasel from the perspectives of Stanislavski, Artaud, and Boal.

All around the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel.
The monkey thought ’twas all in fun.
Pop! goes the weasel.

Discussion questions include the following:

-From a Stanislavski perspective, discuss what motivates the monkey to chase the weasel.

-From Artaud’s perspective, discuss how the weasel’s popping may have affected the monkey. Also discuss the influences of the monkey and the weasel in Eastern theatre.

-From Boal’s perspective, was the chasing incident or the popping incident more effective in “purging” the monkey, the weasel, or the potential audience?

Finally, we travel through history as this particular story unfolds. It’ll be a Walk to Remember.

Good old Pulitzer!

Once upon a time, there was a Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. He had suffered a Long Day’s Journey into Night, intent upon walking Beyond the Horizon. He made it All the Way Home to Anna Christie, who exclaimed, “Looks like you had The Time of Your Life! How’d ya make it? Did ya Look Homeward, Angel?” The cat had climbed over Fences, Driving Miss Daisy crazy. That resulted in a Street Scene in Our Town that night, bringing about The Death of a Salesman. The cat learned that day How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. As the Salesman lay there dying, contemplating the Crimes of the Heart, experiencing Doubt, searching for Proof that he wasn’t Ruined, he saw the Angels in America. They saw him holding the Cat and said, “You Can’t Take It With You. You’re not Icebound, but you are Hell-bent Fer Heaven and will be In Abraham’s Bosom.” At the funeral, The Subject Was Roses and he was like a Buried Child. As the cat dozed off, no longer Lost in Yonkers, it seemed to The Old Maid that his purring was his way of saying “’Night Mother.”

How the Phantom Criticized Christmas

Brahms’ Lullaby plays, fading into—

 

Bert: Good evening and welcome to this hour of “Mother Goose Children’s Theatre,”

What would babies' nurseries look like without Winnie-the-Pooh

bringing you safe theatre for your bedtime stories. Which is like taking Winnie-the-Pooh to the Stuff Me Station at Build-A-Bear. I’m your host, Bertolt Brahms.

 

Special episode today, in honor of the Christmas season. I like to call it “How the Phantom Criticized Christmas.” We will return to our regular programming schedule in the New Year.

 

And now, “How the Phantom Criticized Christmas.”

Didn't his mother ever say, "Someday your face might get stuck like that"?

 

Every actor in theatre liked Christmas a lot…

But Phantom, who lived in shadows backstage, did NOT!

Phantom hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be his mask wasn’t glued on just right.

It could be, perhaps, that his tights were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, his heart or his mask,

He sat there for Christmas Carol, hating the acts,

Staring down from the beams with a dour, Phantom frown,

At the warm lights on rooftops, setting for a town.

 

This actor is obviously showing indignation.

For Tomorrow, he knew, all the characters woes

Would show they indicated from head to toes.

And then! Oh the pose! Oh the pose!

Pose! Pose! Pose!

That’s one thing he hated! The pose!

Pose! Pose! Pose!

 

The actors were all partying somewhere without care

Which allowed old Phantom to emerge from his lair.

“I will stop this whole play,” the old Phantom man cursed,

And he decided right there to write his review as “The Worst!”

 

Way too jovial for that hour of the night.

Then he scribbled and thought, with a smile most unpleasant.

With a jab of his pen, he killed Christmas Present.

Cratchit, And Christmas Past, Fezziwig, Fred.

Suddenly, on the page, all were quite dead.

 

“Now that Scrooge standing there, as played by Jim Carey,

Had some wit in this scene, but he was no Dave Barry.

And the one playing Belle; she makes me quite wary.

Were auditions that bad, that you cast Katie Perry?”

 

Knock, knock. Who's there?

“There are too many actors—includes Dr. Seuss,

And why do so many want to play Dr. Who’s?

I read every article that showed up in the news.

And it seems all these actors had their start in Blues Clues.”

 

So he scribbled and scratched, as he looked at the set,

And imagined designers caught up in a net.

The holly thrown out, the music destroyed!

This play was just awful, and he was annoyed!

 

Tiny Tim

He looked up from that page, and he saw Tiny Tim,

Little lame Tiny Tim, staring right back at him.

He stared at the Phantom, and said, “Sir Phantom, why?”

“Why do you write this? It’ll make us all cry.”

 

“Curse the actors!” old Phantom started screaming

“The crowd scenes are messy; they all start teeming!”

“The stage hands are lazy, the sound cues are late.”

“The director is crazy. Don’t make the audience wait.”

“The production is bad. You should pick another date.”

 

Then to his surprise, the crew started mingling,

With joy in their hearts, and frozen fingers tingling.

They set up the stage, and brought up the lights,

Started the music, all to new heights.

 

A Christmas Carol

Every actor in this play, the tall and the small

Was acting! No indicating at all!

He hadn’t been right about Christmas or its Carol,

The play was a success! It wasn’t in peril!

 

And so good Phantom decided to remember

That Christmas Carol was nothing to dismember.

He was so impressed that he asked to be a member

Of the theatre group that wondrous night in December.

 

The End.